I am torn between pride and love, and promises and weakness. I can't do this without her. I can't feel her inside my head anymore. The thoughts keep screaming and clawing at my mind and tearing it apart. Should I stay? Or should I return?

If I stay, I can't feel her. Barely speak to her...Possibly see her once? Twice? Or not at all? Uncertainty...doubt...fear. Distrust. These things plague us both, even though we try to block them out. Jealousy. Envy. Terrible things that once could not touch us now seem so prevalent. So important. Though they're not.

If I return, I live with a man that has hurt me more than any other. A man that took advantage of a child's frail mental state. That took advantage of a sibling's love. I live with the person that made it so hard for me to believe even the truth out of others' mouths. That made me afraid of people. Of human contact. Of trust. He has no power over me now. I know that now. I am a stronger, better person than he will ever be. But can I live with him? Just to be with her? She will not come to that house, so there is one way crossed off that I could see her. And I am not sure that my father would allow me to see her at her father's house...But at least I would be able to feel her inside my head again. Know when she is in pain. Suffering, Angry, happy, sad, Anything. Know when something is troubling her. And be in a position to at the very least, talk to her until she is calm and happy enough to sleep.

I cannot deal with this madness for a year. It will drive me to my wit's end. To the end of my control. Control that I prize so very much. But can I go back? After all the effort that my mother and her husband went through to get me and my things? Can I go back to living with my brother? With my father...who dared to allow him to stay?

I do not know what to do. Someone...Anyone...Help me.